"Elsewise - An Interlude" by Becca Lusher

(Deep Breath)

“When I was just a little boy,
I asked my Granny what will I be? Will I be ugly?
Will I be King?
Here’s what she said to -”

“Shut up, Elf, or I swear by the ten Gods I will do it for you.”

“What, sing?”

“No! Shut you up.”

“Could prove interesting. How would you go about it? I warn you, I don’t bend easily.”

There was a muted roar of rage, before some cackling and a loud crash of undergrowth. After a long pause there was a splash, followed by a wail and lots of laughing. That laughter was curtailed by a second splash, and a shout.

Jez ignored them both, and pulled her blanket over her head. It was barely sunrise and already they were at each other’s throats. In this instance she was on King’s side. Leves had to be the worst singer she had ever encountered, and that included Caterwauling Clive that her father’s tax collectors used to employ as a great threatening aid. Even so, did they both have to start at this time. She knew what was coming next, and buried herself deeper into her bedroll.

“Idiot.”

“Angles.”

“Lump.”

“Stick.”

“Squire.”

“Elf.”

“Idiot.”

“You said that already, loser.”

“Ooh, this is getting personal now, fatty.”

King laughed. “I’m only fat next to you because you’d blow away in a mild wind.”

“I seem to stand up well enough when you’re talking to me. I’ve heard less windy gales.”

“Idiot.”

“Hey, that’s my insult!”

Once more Jez found herself wishing she knew a hex or three, but no matter how many times she thought it, the required knowledge didn’t appear and she was still stuck with two grown males acting like children. Except she had known children with better manners and far more inventive insults than these two. She tensed, waiting for the next turn of the pathetic bickering. They had been travelling south together for ten days, and it was becoming a routine - a highly annoying, tedious routine.

“You’re just jealous because you haven’t got a voice like mine.” Leves was sounding smug, which now that Jez was getting to know him better seemed to be his usual tone.

“True, I don’t have a voice like yours, but I’m more inclined to be grateful than envious,” King replied slowly, as if talking to a simpleton.

“Jez doesn’t think that,” Leves replied sulkily. “Her voice is almost as beautiful as mine.”

Jez stifled a snort, just as King did the same thing. “Are we talking about the same girl here?”

“Obviously,” Leves drawled. “Though it wouldn’t surprise me to find out that you barely know the real her. You are, after all, a barbarian.”

“I am not,” King growled. “My father was a blacksmith.”

“And does the son have all of the father’s knowledge.”

Jez frowned, wondering what that had to do with anything. King clearly thought the same thing, because he said, “What? You know I’m not a blacksmith.”

“A fine trade for any human,” Leves replied, a touch of the patronising about his voice. “Yet you are not a blacksmith.”

“Clearly.”

“So you cannot fall back on your father as defence against my allegations. And you, dear boy, are clearly as barbaric as they come.”

King laughed. “How do you figure that one out, exactly?”

“Other than your clothes, your manners and your way of speaking, you mean?”

Jez winced, waiting for the outburst and mentally counting down from ten. Nine, eight…

“There is nothing wrong with those things,” King said quietly. “You’ll need more than the surface to convince me.”

Five, four…

Leves chuckled faintly. “Well, there is the business with the cat.”

Two…

“What cat?”

One…

“The one you sleep with.”

Zero…

“I do not sleep with a cat!” King exploded. “How many damn times? There is no cat, you’re just making it up!”

Leves was laughing, and Jez knew it was possibly time to make an appearance. She threw off her blanket, sat up, and glared at the pair of them. It had no effect whatsoever.

“What weird, sad, delusional world do you live in that makes you believe in this imaginary cat you keep talking about, and insist that I sleep with? I don’t know about elves, but my personal choice of sleeping partner is from amongst my own species, and female! Not that I have anything against cats, but I resent what you are insinuating when you keep claiming that I sleep with a cat!” King growled, barely pausing for breath throughout the speech. “Do I make my cl- Oh, morning, Jez.” He stopped abruptly and changed his tone.

Leves stopped laughing and bowed theatrically to her. “Morning’s greeting, my good lady.” He wiped the tears of mirth from his eyes. “I do hope my esteemed companion here didn’t wake you with his yowling. Perhaps he had fur in his bedroll and it interrupted his sleep?”

“Right!”

“Stop it!” Jez yelled as King leapt onto Leves and flattened the diminutive elf against the dirt. Leves and King looked at her, the elf with a handful of the man’s hair, the man’s fist halting on its way to the elf’s face. “I can’t take this anymore!”

“Take what?” King asked innocently.

“This!” she snapped, pointing at the pair of them and their current positioning.

Leves and King looked at each other, and grinned. “But this is just a little playing,” Leves said.

“Playing?” Jez’s left eyebrow arched.

“Yeah, you know, friendly banter,” King agreed.

Her right eyebrow joined the left. “Friendly? You call pummelling each other into the ground friendly?”

“Well, it could be worse,” Leves told her, releasing his grip on King’s hair as the man also let him go. The pair of them stood up and began dusting themselves down. “It’s just a bit of fun.”

“Fun?” Jez croaked, then folded her arms across her chest. “All right then, if it’s just fun, King won’t mind telling me about the cat.”

King’s fists bunched automatically. “There is no cat,” he replied softly, in his I’m-not-angry-but-I-soon-will-be tone.

Not in the mood to play games, Jez shook her head. “There is, Smith, I’ve seen it.”

“Bloody hell! I thought you might be on my side here,” he snapped at her. “But then I should have known better shouldn’t I, Princess? I know you hate having me around, but this is going too far. To gang up on me with that - that - that Elf!”

“Ouch,” Leves drawled.

King glared at him, his brown eyes blazing. “Enough,” he growled in a quiet, commanding tone that, much to Jez’s surprise, worked instantly. Leves hung his head, unwilling to meet King’s gaze, which then turned to Jez. “And you,” he murmured. “No more of these games. There is no cat.”

“But there is,” she insisted. “I saw it in the stables the night after you arrived at the castle. It’s small and -”

“Enough!” he snapped at her, making her jump and instantly fall silent. “Thank you,” he said pleasantly. “Now that I have your attention, I will say this again. There is no cat. Let this be an end to it, all right. Leves, have you seen a cat?”

Swallowing, the elf shook his head. “Nope. Nothing. No cat, ever, anywhere. None at all. Don’t even know what a cat is. What’s a cat?”

“Thank you,” King said softly. He looked at Jez. “And you, Princess, have you see any cats about?”

She scowled at him, then slowly shook her head. “Not for a while. Not since that morning in the stables… but if I-”

“Jezebel,” he growled. “I said there is no cat. Is there a cat? Can you see it now?”

For a swift, fleeting moment she thought she glimpsed a pretty russet banded tail whip behind a tree, but when she turned to look there was nothing there. Pursing her lips, annoyed about the whole situation, she shook her head. “No. I cannot see a cat now.”

“Good.” King gave a satisfied nod, and began cleaning up the camp. “Leves, get the breakfast sorted, will you?”

The new, amazingly obedient Leves jumped to do his bidding, but Jez was not so easily cowed. Walking over to where he was rolling his blanket up on the ground, she bent down until her lips were level with his ear. “You don’t scare me, Smith,” she muttered.

He half-turned, almost bashing his nose against hers, and smiled. “That’s because I haven’t tried.” He paused, a light glinting in his eyes. “Yet.”

Jez straightened up, and scowled at him. “You won’t, even when you do try,” she promised him. “And in the meantime, if I see a cat, I’ll tell you, shall I?”

“There is no cat, Jez,” he told her firmly, stuffing his blanket into his pack. “You will see nothing.”

Behind the tree King was knelt beside, she spotted a pair of small, green eyes. She met his no-nonsense stare and smiled. “If you say so, but you might want to explain that to your cat. Don’t worry,” she added kindly, “I won’t say anything until I see a whole cat. Eyes and tail don’t count really, do they?” Winking at Leves, she wandered away into the bushes and headed down to the stream to wash.

* * *

“Ooooooooooooh, it’s a wonderful place to be!
It’s a wonderful life to lead!
Riding out here on the road,
With a princess and a toad,
It’s a wonderful life to leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeead!”

“Ten gods, will you put a sock in it?”

“I don’t have any spare socks.”

“I can lend you one.”

“No, that’s all right.”

“No, really, I wouldn’t mind. In fact you can have the one I’m wearing.”

“Urgh, get your - argh! Ack! Je-aaaargh!”

Jez ignored them both as Leves’ words became all gargles and squeals for help. Instead she danced around Cherry’s teeth as she tried to groom the worst of the goosegrass and burrs out of her mount’s mane. Frustrated, she stepped back and gave up. “Mat, you ungrateful beast, and I hope they give you sores.”

Cherry snorted in her direction, then trotted off to spend her time more wisely by grazing.

“I can’t breathe! I can’t breathe!”

Jez raised her eyebrows, wondering how Leves managed to shout so loudly without any breath, and turned her attention to her companions’ horses. She was restless and wanted to do something, while the other two killed each other before bed. It was becoming a routine, as it was in the mornings, and at midday, and any time the stopped, and anytime in between. One of these days she was going to have to poison the pair of them and make a run for it.

When she did, she would steal King’s horse.

Clucking her tongue, she encouraged Leves’ intriguing looking creature towards her. As sweet and affable as its rider was arrogant and annoying, the horse was nothing like the kind of mount she would have picked for an elf. For one thing it wasn’t white. No, instead it was a sickly dun, looking not unlike a palomino that’d had an unfortunate incident with a swamp. Nor was it tall, slender or ethereal. In fact it was squat and fat, with a thatch for a mane and forelock that hid half its face, while its tail was a long streak of coarse, black hair that seemed to spend its entire existence tying itself in knots. It was ugly too, with one blue eye and one brown, with a lopsided white blaze down its muzzle. To top it all off, it had a permanent expression of mild bewilderment, but it seemed able enough to put up with Leves, which in Jez’s eyes made it a saint.

“Ouch! You little bugger, that damn well hurt.”

“Good. Eat socks, you fat monster.”

“Leves,” King’s sigh was oddly patient. “Leves, stop, look, just stop.”

Intrigued, Jez looked up from her battle with the mats of the horse’s mane and raised her eyebrows. The elf was trying to climb up onto the man’s back, but couldn’t even reach his shoulders. Instead King had his arms folded across his chest and was peering over his shoulder with a long-suffering expression, while Leves had his slender arms clamped as far as he could reach around King’s biceps, while his legs scrabbled for purchase.

Horse and princess watched with interest as the elf let go, then took a run up and jumped halfway up King’s back, skinny arms clinging around the man’s neck. Rolling his eyes, King took hold of Leves’ wrists and pulled him up so that the elf was no longer flailing.

“Made… it…” he puffed. “Now… eat… socks…”

“What socks?” King asked, amused.

“Thes - oh, bugger it.” The elf looked at each of his empty hands in turn, then wailed as King bent down, shooting Leves over his head in the process.

“Would these be the socks you were hoping to make me eat?” he asked sweetly, scooping up the articles in question. “Do you mind if I don’t eat them? Only I don’t have any spares.” Smiling, he pulled them onto his bare feet and stepped back into his shoes again.

For a moment the elf remained in his heap on the ground, then he uncurled, wailing, “Jez!”

“Go away,” she remarked, turning her attention back to his horse.

“But he’s being mean to me.”

“So what else is new? King’s mean to everyone.”

“Like you then,” Leves grumbled darkly, crawling to his feet and brushing the dust off his breeches.

“Well, you’re hardly charity personified,” King drawled, beginning to build a fire for the night.

“Shut up, no one was asking your opinion,” Leves growled. “I’m hungry.”

Jez wasn’t in a giving mood, and glanced at him as she cleaned tangled mane strands out of her comb. “Well, go catch something then.” “Fine, I will!” He flounced out of the clearing and could soon be heard storming through the trees. <P>King shook his head and smiled, before joining her next to the dishevelled horse, deftly picking out burrs from the stubborn strands. “Just how old is he again?” <P>She shrugged. “I haven’t the faintest clue, probably two hundred and fourteen, or something.” <P>“Or just fourteen.” He grinned. <P>She shook her head and didn’t answer, curious to find out if she was capable of maintaining a nice, normal conversation with him - as long as it revolved around bitching about Leves, it seemed reasonably possible. When he was like this, she actually thought him very good company, and was glad he had obeyed Lux’s orders in coming to find her. <P>“Just remember, throughout all of this, that it was you who invited him to come along.” <P>And then he went and spoiled it all with his condescending, <I>told-you-so </I>remarks. “I told you, he was eavesdropping,” she growled, pulling loose a long string of goosegrass that then stuck to her fingers, her tunic and somehow got entangled with her hair. “I didn’t invite him, but then I never invited you either. Oh! For Gods’ Sake!” she screeched with frustration as the goosegrass somehow wrapped itself around her with its sticky leaves. “Don’t laugh at me!” <P>Swallowing a snort, King bit his lip and took hold of her shoulders. “I’m not.” <P>“You are!” she accused, snarling as she yanked on the end of the grass, then yelped as it threatened to tug her head off, taking most of her hair with it. <P>“I’m not, I’m not, I promise,” he chuckled. “Here, let me help you.” <P>“You are laughing,” she grumbled darkly, but stood still enough while he carefully extracted her from the goosegrass’ tenacious grip. <P>“Maybe just a little,” he admitted, then released her with a smile. “There you go, all better.” <P>She didn’t feel all better, as she ran a hand through her hair and winced at the left over sticky residues. Then again, King was a man, and he simply did not understand the importance of a princess being able to run her fingers smoothly through her hair unimpeded. <P>Apparently noticing her lack of joy at her newfound freedom, King shook off the goosegrass and raised an eyebrow at her. “What’s the matter now?” <P>“My hair,” she muttered, trying again to run her fingers through it, only to get stuck. “It’s covered in goosegrass stuff.” <P>He shrugged and nodded off into the trees. “There’s a stream over there, why don’t you go and wash it?” <P>Despite the fact that she wasn’t the average vain princess, there were some standards that had to be maintained - and she did like her hair. It might only be mousy brown, but when it was glossy it didn’t tend to look too bad. Perhaps she should just wear the wig for a few days. “I can’t wash it out here.” <P>King raised his eyebrows. “Why not?” <P>She returned to her pack and began digging through it, searching for the wig. “Because I haven’t got any of my honey soap left, that’s why.” To her annoyance, he started to laugh. Worse, she couldn’t find her wig. “What?” she snapped. <P>“You’re so vain,” he chortled, wiping tears from his eyes. <P>“I am not! I just like having clean, nice feeling hair, and not dull, lifeless - cat!” <P>He stopped laughing and frowned at her. “Dull, lifeless cat? Jez, what are you on about?” <P>“No.” She shook her head and pointed past him to the shadows beyond. “Cat, look! There it is.” And so it was, small, pretty, russet, brown and gold, the diminutive cat was sitting in King’s shadow, watching them talk with its huge, bright green eyes. <P>“Jez,” King’s face darkened, “I thought we’d been through this.” <P>“We have, we did, and I told you that if I saw it then I was going to point it out to you. Well, I see it!” She pointed urgently again. <P>He scowled and narrowed his eyes. “I can’t see it.” <P>“That’s because you’re not even looking,” she growled at him. “It’s behind you, idiot.” <P>“Don’t call me an idiot,” he snapped instantly, which she thought was a bit rich, seeing as Leves called him that all the time and he didn’t even bat an eyelid. “And stop making up stories, there is no cat, Jez. None.” <P>He still wasn’t looking. “How do you know when it’s behind you and you won’t turn around?” she demanded, frustrated and determined to prove that she was right. <P>“Because I know there won’t be a cat there, and I’m trying to stop you from feeling like a prat. Let’s just accept the fact that there is no cat, and we can all live happily ever after, eh?” He stormed past her to return to the fire and stop it from going out. <P>“But there <I>is</I>!” she growled in exasperation. “It’s right - oh.” When she pointed her finger to the place where it had been, she found it empty. Then again, King’s shadow wasn’t there anymore either. Frowning, she looked around and scanned the gathering gloom, but nothing remotely feline was forthcoming. “Well, it was.” <P>“Shut up, Jez.” <P>Narrowing her eyes, she turned and stalked towards him. “You said if I accepted that there was no cat, then we could all live happily ever after, are you delusional?” <P>Now that the cat had been dropped from the main topic of conversation, he grinned. “Well, maybe I overstated my case a bit.” <P>“You think?” she scoffed, and tried to run an annoyed hand through her hair, only to be reminded of the curse of the goosegrass. “Oh, this is ridiculous.” <P>“So I keep telling you, but will you listen? No, of course you won’t -” <P>“Smith, shut up.” <P>He smiled, then reached into his bag while she headed for the tree line. “Jez,” he called, just before the shadows swallowed her. “Catch!” <P>Turning, she was just in time to snatch the little pot from the air before it hit her. “What is it?” she asked, lifting off the lid and sniffing suspiciously. The scent of honey filled her nostrils, and she sighed with delight. “Guess I’m not the only vain one around here after all,” she called. <P>“I am not vain!” <P>“Keep telling yourself that, King, you just keep telling yourself that.” <P ALIGN="CENTER">* <P>On her way back, her hair damp and dripping down her neck, cooling in the warm summer night, she met up with Leves. “Found anything?” <P>He smiled and held up a cache of pigeons and pheasants. “Just a few.” <P>“And they just fell down as you approached, right?” <P>His smile turned into a grin. “Something like that. Don’t want to upset King, after all.” With a wink, he tucked his harp away. <P>“Oh no, I’d hate to do that,” she agreed, and they walked the rest of the way in friendly silence, making no sound as they re-entered the wide clearing, where their final companion was sitting with his back to a tree, his eyes half closed as he drowsed. <P>On his lap was a little russet, gold and brown cat, barely larger than a kitten. Its eyes were closed as it kneaded its claws in the rough wool of King’s breeches, its purrs audible as his hand stroked its fur. <P>Leves and Jez pointed in unison. “Cat!” <P>King’s and the cat’s eyes snapped open in unison, before the tiny feline bolted for the darkness. <P>“I told you there was a cat,” they said together, and glared at King. <P>Sitting up, he rubbed the back of his neck, then shrugged. “I don’t see any cat. There is no cat.” <P>“Oh, stop lying,” Jez told him, allowing her annoyance to show through. “We’ve both seen the cat, and it was sitting there on your lap. You were stroking it, for gods’ sake!” <P>“How many times do I have to tell you, there is no bloody cat!” King shouted, getting to his feet. <P>“You can shout and scream as much as you like, Smith, but I know what I saw.” <P>“You know nothing, you stupid, empty headed princess.” <P>“Better an empty headed princess than a failed, run away squire. You couldn’t even make a knight! And everyone knows they haven’t got two brain cells to rub together.” <P>“I’m a failure and a run away?” he laughed, though it wasn’t very mirthful. “What about you?” <P>“I didn’t run away!” <P>“You did! <P>“I did not!” she snapped. “I went off to do something with my life, and I doubt my father’s even noticed I’m gone yet. Unlike you, whose knight master just couldn‘t wait to get rid of.” <P>“You spiteful bitch,” he snarled. <P>“Better to be spiteful than stupid.” <P>“Er…” Leves ventured into the silence that fell as the pair of them glared at each other, barely a hand span of space between them. “Er… guys?” <P>“What?” they snapped together and turned their collective glare in the elf’s direction. <P>“Nothing!” he yelped, holding up the fruit of his hunt in front of him like a shield. “I’ll… er… get dinner started.” <P>“Whatever,” they growled, and returned to snarling at each other. <P>“Urgh, how I hate royalty,” Leves sighed, sitting down beside the fire and sorting through the various birds he had bagged. <P>Jolted out of her enmity, Jez turned to stare at him. “What?” <P>“Royalty,” Leves replied. “You’re all the same. Bloody argumentative, not to mention delusional, and obsessed with the idea that the world owes you something.” <P>“Hey!” she protested. “That’s not fair, I’m not the only one in this argument here. King’s the delusional one, not me, and he’s a blacksmith’s son.” <P>Plucking a pigeon, Leves smiled up at her. “Well, he has a royal name.” <P>“He has a stupid name,” she corrected him. <P>“Coming from the expert,” King snorted. <P>“Shut up,” she snapped, turning to face him again, planting her balled fists on her hips. “Just because you’ve been called something, doesn’t mean you’re it.” <P>“Again, coming from the expert,” Leves piped up, grinning innocently when she glared at him. <P>“Precisely,” she said as calmly as possible. “But this is pointless anyway, because what we were talking about was the cat.” <P>“What cat?” Leves and King asked together. <P>That was it, she’d had enough of both of them. They were silly, childish, frustrating and down right annoying, and she simply could not cope with it anymore. Nor was she going to try. But first - <P>“<I>I hate the godsdamned, bloody pair of you and I wish I’d never laid eyes on either of you in my life!</I>” Oh, that scream felt good, she realised as she puffed a little to get her breath back. <P>They both had the audacity to look affronted by her outburst, and she considered hitting them. <P>“Well, if that’s how you really feel,” Leves murmured. <P>“I mean, yeah, don’t hold back or anything, Jez, tell it like it really is,” King agreed. <P>“Don’t worry about our feelings or anything.” <P>“I don’t care about your feelings,” she said sweetly and snatched up her things, including Cherry’s tack. “I hope you kill each other, and leave your corpses for the cat so it doesn’t starve.” Storming away from them, she whistled for her horse and headed out into the night. <P>Behind her, over the sound of Cherry’s disgruntled sighs as she followed her mistress, she heard, “Oops. I didn’t think she had such a short limit,” Leves muttered. <P>“Nobility,” King snorted. <P>“So what <I>is </I>with the cat, now that she isn’t here?” <P>Jez paused to listen. <P>“What cat?” <P>“Aww, come on, King, there’s no need to play that with me. I’ve seen it.” <P>“No, you haven’t. I promise you, there is no cat.” <P>Rolling her eyes, fed up of whatever weird world King was living in, and pretty tired out of the actual one she was currently inhabiting - when it featured a certain elf anyway - she hitched the saddle higher in her arms and set about finding herself somewhere to sleep for the night.