"Letters from the Dark" by Becca Lusher

The Light in the Darkness,
That is the name I have for you, because that is what you are to me. I wonder if ever these words will be read, I wonder if ever my soul will be searched and these things that I pour onto parchment will be revealed. Will the truth ever be told?

How is it that eternal existence can be torture? I suppose it is quite easy, when you think about it. Perhaps if I had lived a better life then things wouldn’t have ended up this way. Though I did have a good death, didn’t I? Tell me that I did, what you think matters to me.

I tried, I did try my very hardest to do the right thing, to prove myself worthy of you - and the others, of course, I didn’t do it solely for you. I was good. I wanted to save them. You believe me when I say that, don’t you?

It gets harder, you know, every day that I sit here and ponder the meaning of things which were once beyond my understand. This window, in this place you have given to me, the one that overlooks the garden from my stone tower, where the walls curve outwards, and look out across the trees. I can hear water, everywhere here I can hear water. It soothes me, or at least it tries to. I’d like to believe it can soothe me. I need to know that something can ease this restlessness of spirit. It’s like a lead weight that crushes down upon me, growing every day. Can you understand that? In all your infinite wisdom can you begin to comprehend what you have done to me?

My view from this window is more than just beautiful as I contemplate the garden, because when I look into the sky I begin to understand and marvel at the enormity of what has become of me.

Out there is nothing, and everything all at once. Here and now I begin to understand the banality of a blue sky. What is there in that, nothing but sunshine and clouds? The light is overrated, in fact I can hear you laugh as I say that. Of course I would say that, I would not be who I was if I didn’t. Out there the darkness stretches forever, it is infinite and all encompassing. How can light ever better it? How can darkness be evil, as they once tried to tell me? When there is so much of it, how can it all be bad? I guess there’s no accounting for taste.

What you don’t understand frightens you, and to feed upon that fear is to gain power; to offer an escape from such a thing is to gain power over others. And when that power settles beneath the skin it becomes a gnawing hunger and corrupts the flesh, festering away.

I have no wish for power.

I have no wish to be corrupted.

All I wish for is you.

And so I shall sit here and wait, contemplating the stars in the emptiness of eternity and wonder many things. If death is not the end, then what is? Perhaps it is life itself that is the end, the one which brings about the beginning.

You will make a philosopher out of me yet.

The stars shine so brightly here, with more colours than just white. It is an impressive place you have created for us, though three is all we are right now, here with you - we do not know how lucky we are, I think. I long for the day when there will be more of us, and I can stand by your side and greet them as they arrive. Together we will welcome them into this garden that you have created. Between the Shadows we will give them that place where they belong.

With love eternally,
Your Dark Angel.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

My Illusive Sweetness,
Slowly I am getting used to this place I now must call home. It is beautiful here, and I know I can be happy, it’s just that I feel reminders of my death and they haunt my dreams sometimes. Often I wake and find myself in a cold sweat, once more having plunged from the battlements and felt that rope tighten about my neck. I keep waiting for the snap, waiting for the moment when I am pulled up short, but instead I keep falling. I try to call my wings, but they shred to pieces around me. The ground rushes to meet me, but even that falls away, drawing apart so that I fall yet further still.

I will fall for all eternity.

It almost makes me wish the rope does hang me, or the ground does kill me.

Pleasant, I know. Then I wake and I could weep to find myself alone. I long to have you by my side, and so I do the next best thing and I fall asleep with you in my thoughts. The image I have of you is strong, almost enough to be real. I wanted to give my letter to you the other day, but I fear what the others might say, and I do not wish to make things awkward for you. So for now I will admire you from afar, and love you only in dreams.

The others are making me comfortable, helping me to settle in. I like them. Shaiel is sometimes a little too serious, but with Demero for company we soon relax. I have noticed that some things make Shaiel more tense than others. At times he is like a puppy, playful and eager to please, other times he is the older dog, snapping and snarling, before slinking away to lick his wounds. I’m not sure I understand him. Be careful, my love, I fear he has his eye on you. Do not fear, I will protect you - after all a star may last for a long time, but darkness lasts forever. I will always be here, for as long as you need me.

It is strange to change my name, for so many years I was Caligo, yet I never truly liked the name. Now I am Nawaquí and I am unsure of what to make of it. I think it will grow on me, they often say people grow into their names. I am sure it will be no different for me.

I saw you today, walking under the elms, your hair loose and tumbling down your back. I confess I watched you for a long time, as you bent to pick the lilies. I felt as though you knew I was there, in fact I am sure you sensed me watching because you had a secret smile on your face, not quite there - but I saw it. I long for the moment when your sun questing eyes look upon me again, and I know that I am worthy of you. Surely it will not be long to wait now. I would have gone to you then, would have spoken to you, perhaps even given you my letter, but Shaiel got there first.

I watched as you laughed with him, talking in your soft voice. It is one of the things I think I love most about you, your kindness and giving spirit. Clearly you know he is in love with you as well, not that I blame him, but you were so gentle with him, lightly deflecting him away. I wasn’t close enough to hear the words, but I know that you knew I was watching and I know you wait for me.

Soon my love, soon.

They will have to learn sometime and then there will be nothing that can tear us apart. This distance from you is torture. I barely know what to do with myself as I long for your presence. The universe is swirling once more, I almost begin to believe it could answer my command. After all is it not surrounded by darkness, do I not have control over such a thing?

Imagine that.

Darkness is inside everything. I would have control over all things, much like the Shadow itself. My beloved Entity, you would be the only thing I could never control - always you would be yourself. My patience is strong and I know it will all be worth it in the end, but, my darling, do not torture your poor soldier so much. There is only so much a man can take.

In the meantime I will endure, and steal moments where I can watch you, alone and unhurried. These moments I will treasure in my heart, waiting for the moment when all my patience will be rewarded.

With love eternally,
Your Dark Angel.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

My Elusive Temptress,
Oh, what games you do play. Such sweet torture indeed, but why must you be so cruel? I would give anything to be relieved of this exquisite agony for but a moment.

Why do you hide from me?

It has been many days since I last saw you and my thirst for your presence grows strong. I hunger for a glimpse of your beauty, and I can no longer sleep at night. My nightmares are replaced now, although I fall still. A far worse horror awaits my slumbering hours, to the point where I no longer want to shut my eyes. I am afraid of what it will show me.

I am standing there, my heart at true peace as I hold you in my arms and whisper sweet nothings against your lips. Your love for me is returned and even in my dreams I know I will never know contentment like it, but as with all dreams such things do not last. As I declare my love to you, again and again, you begin to laugh at me. I try to hold you, but you slip through my grasp like water, and flow away with a beauty I cannot comprehend. My heart thumps wildly and I watch in horror as you run into the arms of another man.

No matter how hard I try I can never see his face.

Perhaps this is well because I would kill him, whether the dream was true or not. I would take the breath from his lungs, all so he could not share it with you. I would tear out his heart and blacken his eyes, scar his face and cut off his hands. There would be nothing left of him to lure you away from me. I would not allow him to ever come between us.

I cannot risk losing you.

Even in this dream I feel my heart slowly break, the pieces becoming jagged shards which cut me deep, as laughing, you fall into his embrace and kiss him as you had never kissed me. I hear you say words to him which you never said to me, words which when I had spoken them to you, you merely laughed at me for. I cannot believe you could be this cruel. I will not believe it because it is only a dream, but what a dream it is!

I reach for you, cry out your name, and you look at me as if I have wronged you. The pain I feel as I look into your eyes, and dwell upon the perfection I have found in your face. It cuts me deep and I cannot escape. Crying your name again I run towards you, but always you remain out of reach. But I am fast, and strong, and determined; I will not let you escape from me.

You are mine and I will have you.

I persist and eventually I reach out my hand and grab hold of you. It pains me when you resist, when I see fear in your eyes, but know that I would never hurt you. I couldn’t. To do so would be to hurt myself. I love you too much to ever harm you. I whisper these words to you as I hold you in my arms, stroking your hair and rocking you close to me. The man who took you away from me is gone, and I know he is no longer of any concern. For the moment you are mine and I can convince you that I love you more, that you are better off with me.

I kiss you, but I feel my feet slipping backwards. The ground beneath me is unstable and dangerous. As I feel myself begin to fall I reach out to you, I stretch out my arms and plead with you, my most beloved, my light, my reason, my will to live.

But you don’t reach back.

With just one hand you could grab hold of me, steady me, pull me back from the brink - save me - but instead you watch, your eyes dark and emotionless.

“Why?” I ask as I feel myself sinking, almost out of reach now.

“Atone,” you tell me, and I tremble beneath the power of your words. “Atone for what you have done, and what you will do.” Worst of all you shut your eyes then and raise your hands to your face.

You cry and each tear is pulled from my own soul. Pieces of me fall down your face and how it hurts! I have never known pain like it, and I have lived, and died, through many forms of pain.

I need your eyes back, and desperately I cry your name, needing the power of your eyes to return to me, to give me light, hope, love…

When you raise your face to me again it is to cause me yet more pain. I cannot see your face, and worse, I cannot see your eyes. Dark raven feathers cover your skin, hiding you away from me. They are beautiful in their glossy perfection, but they are nothing compared to you and the light your face shines with. I need to see it. I need to be nourished by your beauty.

Why do you hide from me?

Then he is there, the man whom you ran to. Again I cannot see him, it is almost as though you are protecting him from me, knowing I would kill him given the chance. Let me see him, damn you! Let me see the one who would condemn me so!

He speaks, “Go, that is where you belong. It seems we cannot hide our true natures. Be gone.” The voice which speaks is my own and I feel pain in my shoulders.

Of course! As I begin to fall I scream for Noctis, and call my wings to me. I will fly, I am Aekhartain, I will not allow a small thing such as gravity defeat me.

But I no longer have wings. They shred even as I call to them, feathers rip free of their sheaths and black blood drips like poison. So I call the darkness, that which I am, I call it to help me, to save me, to be my wings. But they too are unable to stop my fall. Noctis flies down after me, screaming and screaming, hoping to help in some way, but as my feathers and blood fly upwards, he is hit.

He falls.

I cry out and I reach for him, but it is too late. Neither of us can fly. We are fallen.

You have forsaken us.

Why? Why have you done this?

Why do you hide from me?

Have you read my dreams perhaps, do you fear what I might do? Know this, my beloved, elusive one. I would never hurt you, not for anything in the world, universe, existence. You are more precious to me than the darkness itself. I am nothing without you and I would not wish to be.

I would never hurt you.

As always I will remain patient for the time you will come to release me. Perhaps you seek to test my love by putting me through this unendurable pain. No matter, it will be worth it in the end. I eagerly await the day I can touch you with my lips and feel you lie inside my arms, our hearts beating in unison, our breaths intermingling. You are mine, as I am yours, forever and always.

There will be no others for us, because all else is dust compared to what we have. We will live together in blissful happiness and all eternity will gather to witness our love. There has never been a more devoted lover than I have been, and will continue to be, to you. I will wait - for as long as it takes I will wait for you.

Please, I beg you, my fearsome temptress, do not leave me to wait much longer.

With love eternally,
Your Dark Angel.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

My Veiled Beauty,
I know now why you wear the veil in my dream, I know what it means. It is because you hide from me now, to spare the others the strength of your feelings for me. Oh, such sweetness is like balm on my raw emotions. I have paced the floors of my room ragged, I have driven myself to distraction and considered a million and one different reasons as to why you have deliberately evaded any contact with me for so long now. But at last I understand.

Soon my love.

It will not be long before they go away again, already I hear them planning it, on the lookout for others that they will bring here. I know the rules of this game now, I only wish you had enlightened me. Even your cruelty is like sweetness. Even in this torment my love for you grows. How that can be I do not know, I could never believe that a love so strong, so powerful and all encompassing could exist. How it hurts!

I will endure this pain for you.

I will endure so much for you and still remain and wait for the moment when we have this existence to ourselves. How I pray to all that hides in the darkness that it will be soon. You, my sweetest of shadows, will soon know how I love you. I will leave you in no doubt how much you mean to me, and how I will worship you.

It has been too long since I last saw your face, I beg you, do not make me wait much longer.

With impatience,
Your Dark Angel.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Cruel Bitch!
If your quest is to secure my jealousy then, surely as the stars destroy the sanctity of the beautiful darkness, you have succeeded! Why? It is the only word I can bring to mind at such a time, in fact I find it hard to write these words, though I feel them inside me, swirling in turmoil - a tempest of raw anguish.

I am trying to understand, trying to comprehend, but I must admit to finding it difficult.

How will you explain this one to me?

Why him? Why now? Why not tell me? Do you do this merely to ease his obvious crush upon you? Because it is clear to any who wish to look that I love you more. He has nothing to offer you! Nothing! He is a star, for the love of Shadow! He shines at night, exists for a few billion years and explodes. He is nothing! Nothing!

I am everything!

You cannot go anywhere without encountering the darkness that is me. You cannot even close your eyes without finding me there. I am all around you; I am even inside you. How could you turn to him? Even for a moment! How could you do this to me? I know how you feel for me, I see it in the way you look at me, if indeed you risk looking at me at all. I wouldn’t care, except that he believes you love him and he tells me so. How you torment me! He lords it over me, though I know he doesn’t know how I feel. I am not so foolish as you. How could you do this to me?

I know he is important to you, I know he was the first, that is why I do not kill him right now! Do not think I wouldn’t do it. I wouldn’t hesitate for a second, except for the fact of what he means to you. I cannot hurt you, even if it means I cannot kill him.

So be it.

But know this, you fickle bitch, every kiss you bestow upon him is another shard of my heart shattering and tearing me into shreds. I will bleed to death before your very feet, all in the name of how much I love you.

No one but me will have you!
Nawaquí.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Fickle Whore,
Your duplicity never ceases to amaze me. I do not know how you can continue with this charade. It is cruel, both to myself, who is the love of your existence, the reason your heart beats in the way it does, but also to Shaiel, whom you are stringing along with this premise of love.

He doesn’t love you as much as I do!

You do not love him as much as you love me!

I know this, if I know nothing else in this whole, empty, heartless, cruelty which you have cast me into; I know that you love me. You feel guilt, I know you do. So stop this. Don’t let it carry on. Please, stop hurting us all.

I need you, my beautiful torturer, I adore you, worship you, hate you and despise you.

Be mine. Now.

Mine alone and I will show you what it is to be loved, in ways that pathetic excuse for an Aekhartain could never even begin to understand.

Did you not watch me as I lived my life? That courageous solider that I was, who fought against the lies and prejudices of those who would believe themselves holy. Did you not see how I strove to free those who were being led astray? Did you not see how I overthrew the invading armies single handed, and sent them away?

And what did he do in his life?

He was a pathetic cripple who cried for years, and spoke to ghosts! That is no man. I am a man, a real man and I burn for you. I never knew the power of attraction until I saw you kiss him. You thought I couldn’t see, and yet I was there, I waited for you. I knew you would be there, and I knew he would be too. Stop this torment.

Be mine, now and forever.
Nawaquí.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

My Shadow Lover,
Oh, such sweet balm. I feel you even as I lie here in the peaceful glory of the darkness. I have begun to explore the extent of my control. Already I have worked out how to draw a veil across those accursed stars. No more will they spy on me as I dream of you. It is almost as though you are here. I can feel your lips against my own.

The power is within me.

I see you even now as you sit before me and can hear your voice.

He does not understand, but I will make him see how you are mine, were created by the Shadow for me. I am created purely for you. Things come out of darkness, nothing comes out of light, only pain. The stars are dead light, they pollute the darkness with their meddlesome shine. I will extinguish each and every one, but I will only do it for you. Ask it of me and I will see it done.

Cruel! Why do you spurn my advances? Why do you ignore me? Why do you avoid me? What have I done that is so wrong? It is not my fault that you love me more than that pathetic creature which crawls into your bed every night. I cannot dictate to you your emotions. So I fell in love with you, I did not choose it! Nor did I force you to reciprocate.

No matter.

I will wait here in my darkness and I will deprive you of my face, of my eyes, of my hunger and stolen glances. You will pine as I pine for you. You too will know the agony I go through, having to picture you before me, having to imagine the feel of your skin. It is your turn to wait out in agony. And when they leave, then I will be waiting and I will prove to you why I am the better man for you.

He doesn’t understand you, not like I do.

Call me a fool, but I am a fool for the love you have burdened me with.

You will suffer as I have suffered.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.

I can’t find the words to say it, I don’t know what to do. Oh, Shadow! What am I going to do now? I didn’t mean it, I didn’t want to hurt you. You made me so angry! Why did you do that to me? How could you treat me this way?

I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you. Oh, Shadow. I hope you’re all right. I hate myself, if I could I’d kill myself. He’ll only do it anyway.

How could I do that to you?

How could I do that to myself?

I love you, oh, darkness, how I love you. I just wanted to prove it to you. But you kept refusing me, kept telling me to go, told me that you loved him.

How could you love him? You have me!

I don’t know what happened, but when you told me you loved me I was filled with so much relief I could have died happily right there. I don’t mean dead and come back, I mean have blinked out of existence. But you didn’t leave it there. You carried on and told me that of course you loved me, I was like a child to you.

How could you say that?

I am no child of yours! I love you! You love me, we were made for each other!

I’m sorry, oh, Shadow, do you have any idea how sorry I am?

I’m trying not to get angry, but I just think back to it and I can’t help but struggle with my conscience. It’s either anger or despair. I don’t want to despair; I know I will never return. Please, don’t do this to me, I need you, as I’ve never needed anything. Not even oxygen is more important to me than you are. Please, oh please, forgive me.

How could you sit there and smile at me, that beautiful smile, so wonderful and sun touched? I thought I had finally reached Heaven, the one that the scriptures had told me all about. I thought I had at last broken through your shields. I thought you were finally going to tell me the truth.

That you loved me, as I love you.

But you didn’t.

You said you loved him instead, loved him in the same way I love you.

You lied! How could you lie to me? No one could love anyone in the way I love you, no one could. Only I can love you with the whole of me, with my existence, my hopes, my dreams, my every breath and every thought. You are me, I am you. I live for you and to be with you, and you should do the same. He is not worthy of you.

I am!

I live for you, how can I not be worthy of your love, your affection, your devotion, your worship?

Do not cast me away.

Do not leave me to wander in the desolation of my broken heart.

You have torn free the bindings of my soul and I shall never be whole again.

I’m sorry.

I’m so very sorry.

I never meant to hurt you, but I couldn’t stop myself.

My dream was right all along, perhaps we are only able to follow one path - perhaps this is the true me. If darkness is all I am, then perhaps I should surrender to it.

I’m sorry I hurt you, but you hurt me too. If you now wear a mask to hide yourself away from the world, then know that I wear one too. Never, not ever again will I allow anyone into my heart as I let you come in and destroy. I will never allow anyone as close. I will never let anyone see my true face, hear my true voice, look into my eyes and see who I really am. I cannot even begin to imagine this pain - the pain of love, let alone the pain of loss - all over again.

It is an agony without any ecstasy and I am broken.

You have done this to me, and I hurt you in return. Blame it on my nature, blame it on who I am, because that is as much as I deserve. Yes, I am what I am, and despise me for it. I can take your hate, please, hate me. I can take that.

Just don’t forgive me, or love me as you used to. I don’t think I could take that.

Hate me for the rest of eternity, because I will do the same. I will loath myself and this fate that has weighed down upon me, to the point I cannot escape. I will never be able to break free of the ties which now bind me. Your love, or rather my love of you, has done this.

You are as much to blame as I.

I didn’t mean to hurt you, and if I could go back I would do it differently, but still I would show you the depth, strength and passion of my love, if only to make you understand.

Why didn’t you stop me? You should have stopped me! But you didn’t. You were without sound, without emotion, and only when I was done did you look at me and I felt the wound as if you had set fire to my soul. That one tear, just the one, which ran down your face.

I will never forget it.

And I know now, I understand, that will be the last time I see your face. The last time anyone will see, except for him, because he loved you before I even existed and you do all this for him.

You waste yourself on him!

I will bleed eternally for you, the way you bled, and I will never be able to atone. You told me in my dream to atone.

You ask the impossible.

To atone I would have to beg for your forgiveness, and seek my own. I am not sure which of the two would be more impossible. I could never beg for your forgiveness, because I would not put you through that.

I don’t know what to think any more.

I hate you - for what you have done, what you have driven me to.

I hate myself - for the way I have treated you, the way I feel, what I have done, to myself and to you.

I still love you - how can I not?

But more than anything I hate him.

How could you let him win? Why did you pick him? He is not worthy of you! In time I will prove it.

I know what I must do and I hope you are happy to know I will embrace my nature and let it consume me. You will no longer be the only ones who search for the lost. They will join me. They to will feel the power of the darkness, because I am infinite.

My nature is the Darkness inside us all.

I’m sorry and yet I no longer care.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

My wings! What have you done to my wings? I sit here, in a green and pleasant land, far, far away from all I have ever known and all I have in my hands are tattered scraps. Once they were feathers. Once they were darkness, pieces of myself that were a gift when I obtained my Aekhartain status. And now they are gone.

You have taken them from me.

How could you?

Do you wish me to die?

I wish to die. I wish it with all that I am, but I have no power to grant wishes, only Darkness. It is my only friend.

I will see this green and pleasant land rot! And you will be at fault for it.

Noctis, my poor Noctis. Innocent of all blame and yet you have stolen from him too. You have taken his wings away, and for what? To further punish me I imagine. Now his heavy head looks at me, mournful red eyes gaze unwavering. He is loyal.

He loves me.

And yet I have wronged him more than any other. I have taken away his essence.

No!

I did nothing of the sort. You did it, you and your weak minded lover. I know he is the one behind it, he is the one who sought to get rid of me all along. I have seen him with his shining eyes and whispering voices. Always he has hated me, even as I lived. I would see him crawl in the dirt, not fit to clean the mud off my boots.

I will see you reject him even as you have rejected me.

He is inhuman and pathetic.

You will both pay for what you have done.

Noctis, my poor Noctis. How could they do this to you? How could I do this to you? Through my actions I have brought us to this place. Through his jealousy he has cast us here.

Through your guilt you have tried to get rid of us, tried to remove us from your mind. Do you deny you think of me? Do you deny that you know you were wrong?

Do you deny you love me now?

I know you do… you have changed your way of thinking.

One day, oh yes, my dark Queen, my cruel Empress. One day you will come to this tower, which I will build just for you. I will drain this world of its life, just to build this palace for you to live in. You will come here and sit upon the throne and reign by my side for all eternity.

You are an Entity and I am Infinite.

We were created for one another.

But first I will destroy him.

First, I will find every single one of the Aekhartain and I will destroy them. Like the stars in the sky I will blanket them in my darkness, one by one, I will smother their light until he is the last that remains. Then I will hold you in my arms and show him that you have decided, and I have won.

And then I will destroy him too.

One day, and I care not how long it takes me, I will kill Shaiel.

Then you will be mine.